No place like home
by Lavena
Summary: In this new adventure , Gee finds out she's adopted. No, really. And her parents have come to collect her. But will she decide her home is with the Family Mad? Not likely! I predict mucho mucho hilariosity. Set after SBHFS. R&R me, I'll R&R you.
1. Well, of course!

_**Ok, this is my first Georgia Nicolson story, and my second story over all, so please go easy on me.**_

_**Disclaimer: I own no books, but might bribe a certain Louise Rennison into letting me get the fame. You never know, it might work :D  
**_

**Saturday**

6:00 am

I think I might be ill. After all, I AM up at 6:00 am. On a weekend, no less. I refuse to think about Robbie

(_yum_)

Or Masimo

(_double yum_)

Or Dave.

6:01 am

Dave?

6:02 am

I must be mistaken. I will never think of any man in that way again. I shall dedicate myself to becoming a lesbian monk.

**In the kitchen**

Right after I get some breakfast.

1 minute later

Breakfast? I think not. Last time I checked, breakfast did not include a piece of chewed carrot (Libby...), mouldy bread, and some unidentifiable piece of mush that smelled like Swiss cheese.

6:32 am

But what do I know? These aren't in the major food groups at Stalag 14.

6:33 am

I wonder why...

**In my bedroom (aka jail cell) **

After recent attempts at eating breakfast like civilized people might (civilized - the opposite of my family), I have decided to sleep. Maybe I can grow a teeny tiny Hitler mustache and see if I could join the lesbian circus. They can always use new freaks.

1 minute later

Although... rejection from the circus would be cruel.

2 minutes later

In an effort to cheer me up (or pick me up... hey, worked for Rom and Jul, although... there was that whole death thing at the end), a Shakespearian-type bloke (or bird, as I will have to learn to swing that way if I truly wish to be a lesbian monk) might say, 'but soft, what light through yonder window breaks?'

1 minute later

The answer? Nothing. That is how full of gloomosity my life is.

3 minutes later

Oh sod it. I'm going to bed. I'm getting a migraine from all this gloomosit- zZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZz

3:40pm

Blimey! I've been asleep for... errr... how long? Never mind that! As I say to anyone that will listen (i.e. no one), maths is not my best subject.

3:41pm

Worse! It means that I'll run into the family mad.

3:42pm

And never mind that I'm part of that family!

**Away from Lesbian Monastery Headquarters**

Checked phone messages:

Jas: 'Gee, what's going on? (_Nothing, just the ruining of my life. You probably missed it when you were slug hunting with Tom_) Look, are you and Masimo going out? Or Robbie? Or Dave? (pause) Errr... forget the last one. (_I will, thanks_) Look, just call me, okay? (_No, it's not okay. My LIFE is not okay. Blimey, I sound like those goth teens that slit their wrists, and wear all black_.)'

Robbie: 'Look, I'm sorry that it came as a shock, but I came all the way down here for you, and you at least owe me a conversation. Love you, 'kay?' Jeez, someone didn't sleep well... that makes 2 of us.

Masimo: '_Ciao_, Georgia, I, how do you say, anticipate your decision. I know it will be a wise one. Okay.'

Jas (again): 'Gee, if you do not call me back, I will make sure you never get another midget gem in your life. (Sigh). Call me, okay?'

1 minute later

Blimey, why does every message end with 'okay'?

1 minute later

Maybe they'll compare notes.

1 minute later

I feel strange.

1 minute later

And tingly.

2 minutes later

Strange and tingly.

Oh sod it, I am going to confront the Family Mad like a sensible lesbian monk might do.

**In the living room**

I walked into the living room... and got a huge surprise. Bigger than normal. Bigger than simple oh-my-God-Bibbsy-is-naked surprise. Bigger than not-again-Mutti-is-all-over-Vati-and-it's-not-a-pretty-sight-hey-there's-Uncle-Eddie surprise. This was major-family-mayhem-that-bordered-on-madnosity surprise.

First of all, Mutti looked quite blubby, and I almost comforted her. My new lesbian monk urges, I guess. Anyway, I eschewed those feelings, just in time to catch sight of Vati blubbing. What? Libby was laughing. Not a cute little girlie laugh, but a crazy-maniac-child-driven-nuts-by-parents laugh. Which she was. Then I noticed this pair of perfectly sensible parental-type people, with normal parental clothes, and normal parental smiles (if on the sympathetic side), taking this in with calm aplomb.

"Well, look at the time," I said faux-brightly, looking at an imaginary watch, "I better get going."

"Wait, Gee." This from Mutti. "Mr and Mrs Johnson have something to say to you."

The woman that I took as Mrs Johnson said, "Would you do it, Connie?"

Mutti took a deep breath and I waited with raised eyebrows. "Gee... you're adopted."

I stood there, open-mouthed. This was what it was all about? I already knew this! Then I realized that my mouth was still open. (I should rename my super-marvy diaries Confessions of a vegetable-brain).

"I know," I said, and walked out.

**In the kitchen**

Nothing to do, nothing to see, nowhere to be.

1 minute later

I dare not go in and ask for a couple of squids after the whole 'Gee-you're-adopted' 'I-know' scenario. I still haven't gotten over from the shock of seeing Porkman cry.

1 minute later

It makes his tum wobble like a miniature Slim.

1 minute later

Mutti came in. 'Gee, I'm serious.'

I looked her straight in the eye and said, 'I know. Say, do you have a couple of squids?'

She just gaped, then said, 'you wretched little girl!' and left in a huff to end all huffs.

1 minute later

Jeez, what's her problem?

Parents: can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

1 minute later

Or in my case: have to live with them, can't mould them into sensible beings.

1 minute later

Though you can't say I didn't try.

**_ Ok, that's the first thingy. I appreciate the word of the people, so please review. _**

**_Instructions on reviewing (for those among us who are slightly dim):_**

**_You move your mouse down from the story, then to the left, until you reach a purple box that says 'Submit Review'. Next to it, there is a button saying 'go' (no, it is not telling you to leave the story - I will kill you if you do). Now, click the go button. A screen thingummy should appear. Type in what you think of my story so far, along with anything else, then submit your review. Easy as pie, and I always(ish) reply... in the end, anyway._**

**_Btw: If you R&R my story, I am guaranteed to R&R your story :D. Happy reading._**


	2. Some Bearded Bloke

_**A/N - Hello, again, chums and chumettes (although I only really expect girls to be reading this stuff...). I finally have a new(ish) chapter, and would like to say:**_

_**Mucho mucho thanks to my fab 3 reviewers:**_

_**Lolly Dolly**_

_**Blackrose74**_

_**Wendela400**_

**_I have muchomuchomucho (!) appreciation for all of your reviews, and am pleased that it sounds like an actual Gee story. (Hands cookie to each reviewer)_**

_**On with the story**_

**At Stalag 14**

R.E

Why is Miss Wilson telling us this? Why is there a whole subject about Religious Education? Everyone knows God is a load of utter crapola. I mean, can you really imagine some portly giant guy with a humongo gray beard living in the clouds? Errr... no. He'd fall through the clouds for one thing.

1 minute later

Poor clouds

2 minutes later

And WATCHING us while we're on the loo? Erlack! I think I may be sick now.

1 minute later

Wait a minute... portly, perverted... is God Uncle Eddie?

3 minutes later

Only flaw in this fact de la God is that Uncle Eddie is as bald as a hard boiled egg.

2 minutes later

Which he smells like.

Lunch

The gang were all ogling me like a gang of oglers (which they were).

"What?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing," said Ro-Ro.

"But are you, er- I mean, aren't you-?" Ellen said, twirling a piggy tail around her finger (v. annoying. Why, if I was God, I would have smote her).

Then I looked at Radio Jas.

She looked at me.

Crikey, she had ALREADY told them my little secret _Vis a Vis_ adoption. Noooooooooo! That was MY LITTLE SECRET!

1 minute later

A good way to hide embarrassment: take a ditzy Radio friend, preferably with an annoying fringe, and give her a severe duffing up, involving brutal noogies. Ha, thrice ha!

Walking home

Jazzy Knickers is_ ignores vous_ing me again. Typical Jas. SHE can go round telling people my deepest darkest secrets, and my bra size (which has skyrocketed unbelievably), and I can't even give her a slight duffing up. But, like some sad bearded bloke (might've) said, 'life is unfair, but life is unfair for everyone, so that makes life fair'.

1 minute later

Although I don't quite know what he's on about.

2 minutes

Alas, the day has been saved! (Well, my friendship with Jas has, anyway) A certain Dave the laugh hast tricked a certain Swotty Jazzy Knickers into talking to me. Ha! Thrice ha!

Since Ellen ditched the whole walking with Dave plan, we have been vair happy, not having her panting behind us. And once Dave found out about the (minor) duffing up situation, he had a plan.

A nip libbling plan.

First, he made sure that Jas was watching, then he snogged me.

And nip libbled.

While Jas just stood there with the oddest expression ever.

She finally said, "Gee, what are you DOING? You KNOW Ellen fancies him!" All this was said right in front of Dave, and Jas finally realised what she had said.

1 minute later

And so now we have a lil deal: Jas doesn't tell about me (once) liking Dave, and I don't tell about her telling Dave that Ellen fancies him.

3 minutes later

Errr... was that too many tells?

1 minute later

Or too few?

5 minutes later

Dave dropped me off at my gate with the usual snog (!) and, 's'later, kittykat.' Looks like things are back to normal around here.

1 minute later

Not! I entered the house... only to find my belongings scattered all over the floor. "Libby...!" But she wasn't the one that greeted me.

"Mu-um! Libbs has scattered my stuff everywhere!" I expected to see sympathy, but only saw... tears?

"Mutti, if you do not listen to me, I will be vair-"

"Shush, Gee," she said, looking older. "Gee, my beautiful Gee..." I knew she was going to start the whole they-grow-up-so-fast crapola, and thus quickly sidestepped her into the living room... only to find Mr and Mrs Johnson

"Mutti, Vati, what's going on?" I called.

"Gee," my favouritest Mutti said, "Mr and Mrs Johnson have come to take you back."

WHAT!

_**Again, I appreciate reviews, and if you do not review, I shall get violent. So THERE! I would also like to thrice thank my fantabulous reviewers (if only three of you), but if you don't review, I shall disown you from the story. JUST KIDDING! Enjoy :D  
**_


	3. The first ice cream bribe

**A/n Hello, again. I have not updated in a little while (or have I?...), so here is the latest chapter of erm... what's the story called? Ah yes, 'No Place Like Home'. **

**Enjoy :D **

**Also thank you to my reviewer(s). Keep reviewing or I'll sic the mafia on you. I say this only because I love you. **

* * *

**In my room**

I am never coming out. Nevernevernever!

1 minute later

"Gee, you in there?" This from Mrs Johnson.

"Go away," I moped. Never coming out. NevereverEVER!

1 minute later

Although it would be pretty cool to be Georgia Johnson…

Shut UP brain, shutupthinking!

5 minutes later

I am v. tired of sulking. I think I may sneak to the kitchen in search of something to eat.

**In the kitchen**

Unfortunately, "Something-To-Eat" consists of a piece of bread, as Mutti has so kindly forgotten that, yes, her eldest daughter Gee does indeed need food to survive.

Then came the evil thought, 'you're not her REAL daughter."

I feel a bit blubby now. I think I may call Jas now to see if my depressednosity can reach a world record.

**Talking to Jas**

"Well, if they seem so fantastic, why don't you go with them? It would take your mind off Robbie and Masimo and Dave – err… no, not that last one, but-"

I cut in quickly, "well, if they're so fantastic, why don't YOU go with them?" Best to keep my silent decision to myself…

"They're not my parents," she said stupidly, and if she had been in the room, I would've given her a severe duffing up.

"That's not my point, o-Jas-of-the-bewildered-knickers. I don't WANT to go with them. I don't even know these people, and they try to TAKE me? Now? WHY?"

"This is all nice," Jas said huffily, "but I have better things to do."

"Oh dear," I said, in a fake therapist voice, "you're going to blow off friendship for slug hunting with Tom? Not looking too good for your mental health-"

And she slammed the phone down.

1 minute later

She, not me.

Jas of the selfish knick-nacks.

3 thoughtful minutes later

Some friends _I_ have.

**Lesbian Adoption Monastery Headquarters (phwoar – what a tongue-twister!)**

"Gee, open up."

"Mrs Johnson, you seem nice, but I would appreciate it highly if you would LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"I have ice cream…"

Pause

"Really?"

**In the lounge room (Mr and Mrs Johnson's)**

"You see, Gee, I couldn't keep you, what, with my father breathing down my neck. So I sent you to my closest friend."

Huh? "But I know all of Mut- Connie's closest friends."

"Yes, but that was at the time. And she raised you to be so _ladylike_," Mrs- Biological Mutti said, just as I was literally licking the bowl clean. _That_ encouraged me to stop.

"Well, biological Mutti, I would very much like to stay, but with a bit of luck my real Mutti is cooking tea. Ciao-"

Now Mrs Johnson was all blubby. "Gee, it would break my heart if you left…"

Oh great. This lady was just as klingon clingy as Libbs… who I will most likely never see again. Sigh.

"Perhaps you would like to see your new bedroom? Connie's already put your suitcases in there." Smileysmileysmiley. Damn my biological Mutti. How dare she be happy when I feel like I just landed in a puddle of liquefied dog doodey!

1 minute later

Was it just me, or as I was leaving, did I hear Mrs- Mutti say, "yes!"?

**In my new Lesbian Adoption Monastery Headquarters Thingummy**

Rearranging personal items so the room doesn't look so drab. Well maybe my new Mutti will give me a pocket money consisting of more than a couple of squids?

1 minute later

Oh God, Buddha, our Lord Sandra… horrible thought. What if my new Mutti takes me shopping? With her actually being there? IU think I may need a lie-down on my… brand new king-sized bed? How did I miss this?

3 minutes later

Okay, done lying down. If I think for too long, I may come across the point that I am the suckiest Buddhist in the history of sucky Buddhist… people…

5 minutes later

Pawing through clothes when I found Jas's halter top. The one she had been looking for. Oh well. It was clearly designed for someone who actually HAS nungas.

1 minute later

Feeling guilty… what if Jas reads my diary?

Then, Oh, she can't, as she will never be allowed in this roomy. I will take her into the guest roomy, which is unfortunately girly, just like hers.

1 smiley minute later

But on the bright side… maybe she'll think she's been a good influence and stop trying so hard?

* * *

_**A/N Being a New Zealander, I am a needy creature, and thus I need you to reeeeeead and REVIEW! It would make my daaaaaaaaay! **_


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